“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” -Marianne Williamson
“I am not enough”, says the voice that always lingers in the back of my mind. It has been there since I was a child and has followed me into my 30’s. That feeling of inadequacy is the main reason why I fail at many things or do not start projects. Every time I meet someone or when an opportunity arises that voice creeps in and say your are not beautiful enough, thin enough, smart enough and so on. I then go into my eternal shell and become a docile creature and let my dreams and happiness fall into the wayside. Continue reading
Sit up straight
Fix your hair
Push away the plate
Pinch your nose
Pull your shoulders back
But keep your head low
Only speak when spoken to
But your words spoken is not yours
There is not much you know
Dim the light in your eyes
No need to try to shine
Sit up straight little girl
There’s nowhere for you to go
She never learned how to love
The world around her made her resentful
The blood that flowed through her veins made her hateful
She never could forget
Even though she didn’t remember
She never learned how to love
So why should she bother
I’m not big reality TV watcher but my roommate is and sometimes I join her and discuss what we see on TV. One day she was watching 19 Kids and Counting and this particular show was about going steady. I thought it was old fashion and sweet. The cynic in me also noted it was archaic and corny. But it did get me to thinking about courtship and how we sometimes do not appreciate it. Continue reading
A few months ago my supervisor asked me why was I single in a serious and curious tone. I joked it off and said because I am crazy. I personally loathe that question because I didn’t have an answer and I don’t know many who could answer that question. That question has caused a new breed of insecurities for me because for a while I thought something was wrong with me because I have been single more than I have been in a relationship. I thought I was unattractive, I thought it was because of my weight and other countless things but I would see women my size or heavier in happy relationships and that debunked that theory but made me more insecure than I was before. If my exterior is not the cause of my singleness than apparently it must be something internal and my personality must turn people off. And yet another cycle of insecurities are born and I will analyze and hate myself because I am alone and apparently no one wants to be with me. Then one day I realized that those thoughts are the reason I am single. Continue reading
I haven’t written in awhile. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to write about I just have not taken the time to do it. I have a hundred thoughts running through my mind that sometimes it is difficult for me to take my thoughts to pen and paper (or Microsoft word). Sometimes I get lost in my own mind that I don’t realize the time that has lapse and wasted. But I am here now and I am going to write daily so I do get lost in the maze of my mind and hone my writing skills. Continue reading
It’s been over 10 years since I’ve had that conversation with my mother.
Mom: Were you molested?
Mom: Did I do something wrong?
Even though it has been over a decade since I outed myself to my mother I still struggle with who I am to this day.
I would like to note (as it was noted to me) that I am a flirter. I call it just being nice but nonetheless some have labeled me that. The irony of that is when I am attracted to a woman I clam up. I become weird, awkward and mute. There have been times when I have questioned my sexuality and times that I would not be attracted to anyone. Either way my luck with women had me thinking that maybe I was not who I thought I was. Maybe I’m not really a lesbian but just a confused girl having a sexual identity crisis. But sometimes I would encounter a woman that gives me lady wood and that theory was put to rest. To be honest because of my horrible dating life I thought that maybe the universe was telling me something. Maybe I was wrong. Continue reading