The Final Quarter

“Humanity is now faced with a stark choice: Evolve or die. … If the structures of the human mind remain unchanged, we will always end up re-creating the same world, the same evils, the same dysfunction.”                           ― Eckhart Tolle

It is the final quarter of the year and my birthday is less than a month away so naturally I am in reflective mode. A bad habit I have when looking back over the past year is being critical of myself. I don’t focus on what I have done but what I have not accomplished. I usually beat myself up for not crossing off the items on my goals list and then feel shitty about whatever current circumstance is. Eventually I tell myself I am a loser and failure and become depressed and some how pick myself up for the new year (birthday). This year I am going to try a different approach. Continue reading

in·ad·e·quate {inˈadikwət/}

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” -Marianne Williamson

“I am not enough”, says the voice that always lingers in the back of my mind. It has been there since I was a child and has followed me into my 30’s. That feeling of inadequacy is the main reason why I fail at many things or do not start projects. Every time I meet someone or when an opportunity arises that voice creeps in and say your are not beautiful enough, thin enough, smart enough and so on. I then go into my eternal shell and become a docile creature and let my dreams and happiness fall into the wayside.  Continue reading

{Poem} Untitled #2

Sit up straight

Fix your hair

Push away the plate

Pinch your nose

Pull your shoulders back

But keep your head low

Only speak when spoken to

But your words spoken is not yours

There is not much you know

Dim the light in your eyes

No need to try to shine

Sit up straight little girl

There’s nowhere for you to go

Let’s Go Steady!

I’m not big reality TV watcher but my roommate is and sometimes I join her and discuss what we see on TV. One day she was watching 19 Kids and Counting and this particular show was about going steady. I thought it was old fashion and sweet. The cynic in me also noted it was archaic and corny. But it did get me to thinking about courtship and how we sometimes do not appreciate it. Continue reading

Why I Am Single? Good Question

A few months ago my supervisor asked me why was I single in a serious and curious tone. I joked it off and said because I am crazy. I personally loathe that question because I didn’t have an answer and I don’t know many who could answer that question. That question has caused a new breed of insecurities for me because for a while I thought something was wrong with me because I have been single more than I have been in a relationship. I thought I was unattractive, I thought it was because of my weight and other countless things but I would see women my size or heavier in happy relationships and that debunked that theory but made me more insecure than I was before. If my exterior is not the cause of my singleness than apparently it must be something internal and my personality must turn people off. And yet another cycle of insecurities are born and I will analyze and hate myself because I am alone and apparently no one wants to be with me. Then one day I realized that those thoughts are the reason I am single. Continue reading